the rules of attraction are never simple, unless the mind simplifies things and realises not only what is right but what is definitely wrong for the body.
I was an unattractive girl once, attracted to handsome men with cold hearts, attracted to the beauty of the day and the cruelty of the night. a pain and pleasure kind of swirl, the deep well of unconformity, the place of no belonging. the place of no love. the place of freedom, really.
then, I developed into an attractive woman, attracted to safe men with low expectations, attracted to admirers, to the long and certain path to boredom and affection. it was cosy, but it gave no pleasure. no pain, really. too ordinary, to be honest.
the rules of attraction shifted each time I wanted different. I never wanted more. it was the less ordinary that was exiting, fantasizing fantasies that were already fulfilled, done that, being there, and it was so good that I wanted different. a collector of twisted dreams.
I disobeyed the rules of attraction every single time, and was attracted always to the most inadequate, the less available, or the simply dull.
and it was fun!
a vast collection of failed relationships to prove I was never going to meet love or connection.
but recently my fantasies are following a strange unknown path....
it's not the hardcore or the unfitting any more, it's not the nice and easy, it's not the collection of experiences, it's not the thirst for failure and the longing for physical and emotional pain. it's different. it's not even a power struggle - a turn on, or a mind game - another turn on.
it feels like....dunno. I am not admiring or admired any more.
it's something that has to do with pure pleasure.
whatever that is.
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