the infinite well

some thoughts on desperate love...
once born with a small, almost invisible hole in the heart, you are bound to see it enlarge during the living years.
unless you manage and figure out the nature and disposition of the small hole, one day you will wake up with a hole in the shape of a well, and the depth of forever.
the well feels shallow if untouched. if you don't notice it's presence, it only resembles a tiny gap in space.
but if somehow its presence is uncomfortable and annoying, you might choose to fill it up. it's in the heart, so it will require emotion. any kind of emotion will do. love, preferably, but greed will do just fine, for unless you are trained to distinguishing feelings, at first, they might appear the same.
but once the well is filled up, it never truly fills.once a little hole, now becomes a slightly larger hole that requires more love, for the one you just poured in, vanished at its bottomless end. more love, more affection, more sex, more affirmation. more clinging to the loved ones, more suffocation, more demands. you end up fearing you cannot even be left alone, without someone in the room. without someone in your life. the well is too demanding to be faced. so you reach out for more love, even more affection, more sex, more affirmation. but the well is still hungry, the black hole in your heart makes everything disappear, after devouring all possible feeling, it is still dissatisfied.

friends and lovers become distant, as the well makes new demands, and since love and affection can no longer be at hand, other feelings must be fed to it, for it cannot stop devouring, and when left unfed it screams and howls at night. you can't give it love any more, but you discover that it does devour resentment and spite just as well as previous emotion. you then try to feed it hatred and aversion, and it responds, but needs more, it can never be satisfied.
tired and sleepless, you try your last shot, and pour fear in the well. then everything turns to motion. fear fills the well, seems like it found its bottom finally, but once you reached fear as a self-fulfilling emotion, you cannot stop pouring it down the well, until it overflows and floods the entire existence.
once you had a little hole in the heart that simply was your connection to the universe, sort of a plug to ground universal energy. but you believed it to be a flaw in the system, and thought it should be filled up, for you despised flaws as well as systems.
once you were a flawed being... now, what have you really become...