We used to talk, lying in our beds, wired, gazing at the breaking dawn, for hours that lasted a few fragments of the heartbeat.We used to talk nonsense, just to maintain illusions that we were breaking the mundane for the old dramatic self-images we were faking.
We used to talk to kill the silence, the solitude, the mileage that separated us.
We used to talk all stoned and drugged, and every time we talked, we were screaming out for help.
We were there, in the high rise, the wind blew softly in our insomniac faces, all weary, all broken down, all disillusioned, all too eager not to wake up, all to eager to be swollen by the night.
We were there in the high rise, carefully looking down at the impossibilities of the suicidal act, under an ever cloudy London sky, we were dry and restless and so utterly wasted.
We were desperately trying to cling onto one another, the cell phone wires, the endless chemical reactions in the brain, the soft voices of despair, the constant dawning that brought no relief.
We were made that way, we chose to live that way, we chose to grow that way, panic attacks, heart failures, fear, loneliness, mind landscapes that extended into futility.
It was a well planned trip, it was a heart blowing disease, it was sacrifice, it was unity.
We were never one, but we were two of a kind.
I never met you, you never met me, but we were there, wonderfully obsessed, blinded and hysterical and degenerate, we were there in the high rise, that lonely winter afternoon, the cold wind blowing through our dark hair, scattering our dark thoughts away, into the London sky.
We never jumped.
We never dared go.
We had to stay and live with the consequences of our choice, we had to live with the context of our brains, with the lonely breaking hearts.
Fucked up, but still alive.
Maybe so that one day, one fine, cloudy day, we would sit down in that cosy Soho caff and watch again the people walking by, looking down, looking tired and preoccupied, while we would light up a fag and proudly, and with that weary smile of knowledge, say to each other: I was there, too.
I bloody was!
